[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
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Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.