Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
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The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
I feel it
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson