I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
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A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
My neck, my back, my…
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK