The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
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Hot hot hot 🥵
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.