Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
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Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
If you need a laugh.. 😅
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
when you are just born a rebel
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.