Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
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Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
the last thing a carrot sees
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint