Rambo Rambow
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Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
why I oughta
Me too
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!