*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
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*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
Some of y’all tomorrow …
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
me: *drops banger tweet
them: ha! this is funny, I wonder why he doesn’t have more followers
me: *drops another tweet
them: oh, I see
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho