What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
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BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss