Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
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The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
this came to me in a vision
BRO LMFAO
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”