date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
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Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
Put the is in disheveled
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?