When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
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*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
so, is there a mister shapen head
You can arrest protesters. You can take away their first amendment rights. You can even expel them. But you still can’t make a college commencement ceremony fun.
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.