Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
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overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too