After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
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I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
Cats (2019)
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.