[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
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Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.