*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
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Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
Jokes on them. I took 10.
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*