Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
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This meal prepping shit easy
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
Yoda telling a girl she can join the school marching band
March, April May
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
live, laugh, laundry.
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope