My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
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4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
Autocorrect is my menesis
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.