Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
You Might Also Like
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried