As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
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Auto correct is my worst enema.
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?