Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
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Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
It’s not enough for my dog to sit and get pets; he must also make eye contact with my other dog to make sure that he knows.
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same
dan dan noodles… the food so nice they danned it twice. thanks for liking my posts
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk