Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
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This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
My good tweets are in my other pants.
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!