A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
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*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
That’s fair
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
Someone just threatened to call me later
Hello Twits.
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*