me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
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If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
A friend helps you before you need it
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.