If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
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Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.