[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
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Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
My apartment is a mess, I should move
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.