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Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE