ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
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If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
did it work
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.