Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
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I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.