It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
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I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
only 11 steps left
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
Ok but actually
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*