Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
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Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
this is funnier than any friends episode
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
😂💯
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
A friend helps you before you need it
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!