I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
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Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
no their not
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
I know
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic