If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
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Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
opening a flower shop called women in stem
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning