Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
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No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
I beg your pardon?
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.