“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
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In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
#have a #great #PancakeDay
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS