If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
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There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.