Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
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RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”