Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
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H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
beware of dog
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.