My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
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“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Kidney stones? Hard pass
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
“Why you watching this shit?”
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
ouch
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!