Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
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Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
Become a minion. Get that bread.
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.