3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
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“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.