[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
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911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?