I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
You Might Also Like
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
Hmm, not sure about this change
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.