my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
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My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what