“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
You Might Also Like
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats