My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
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So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
Ironic
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
#gardening
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
I was an English major, which means I may or may not be able to get you out of a dangerous situation, but *patting your arm* at least I can write a 5-paragraph essay on the fatal flaw that led you to it.
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
When I was a kid at summer camp, I told my friend Rob I had two goals: to hammer nails up my nose at the camp talent show, and to find a girlfriend.
He said, “You might only get to do the first one.”
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.