I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
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{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.