“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
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Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
new career option?
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
lol
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.