[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
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Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.