Education is vital
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Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.